When Your Spouse Changes: How to Love Each Other Through Every Season of Marriage
"May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth." — Proverbs 5:18 (NIV)
Have you ever looked across the breakfast table and wondered...
"When did we get old?"
The young couple who could hardly keep their hands off each other now compares calendars before planning a date night.
The athletic bodies of our twenties begin reminding us that maybe we shouldn't have carried that fifty-pound bag of dog food by ourselves.
Reading glasses appear.
Hair quietly changes color—or quietly decides to leave altogether.
A hearing aid...or in my case, a cochlear implant...becomes part of everyday life.
Life changes.
We expect all of that.
What we don't always expect is that our spouse will change too.
Not because they've stopped loving us.
Not because our marriage is in trouble.
Simply because God never intended either of us to remain the same people we were on our wedding day.
He designed us to grow.
To mature.
To become more like Christ.
When I look at Seth today, I don't just see the man sitting in his favorite chair.
I still see the young, twenty-eight-year-old Army officer I met all those years ago.
The man who swept me off my feet.
The man who made me laugh.
The man who has always made me feel safe.
At the very same time...
I also see the man God has spent more than four decades shaping.
He's wiser now.
Kinder.
More patient.
More gracious.
We've both collected a few wrinkles, a few aches, hearing challenges, and enough stories to fill several books.
And honestly...
I wouldn't trade this version of him for the young man I first fell in love with.
Why?
Because I know what it cost to become this man.
Military moves.
Long separations.
Parenting.
Migraine headaches.
Home remodeling projects.
Career changes.
Retirement.
Victories.
Disappointments.
Thousands of ordinary Tuesdays.
Through every season, God wasn't simply building a marriage.
He was shaping two people.
Looking back now, I realize something I wish every newlywed understood.
Marriage isn't about finding someone who never changes.
It's about learning to love the person God is still creating.
That lesson began for us in a hotel room on the other side of the world.
Home Wasn't a Place
I remember standing in front of a large hotel window overlooking the lights of downtown Seoul, South Korea.
Behind me, my exhausted husband slept soundly in what seemed like the whitest sheets I'd ever seen.
Because of the twelve-hour time difference, sleep simply wasn't happening for me.
So I stood there in the quiet.
Watching the city.
Watching Seth.
Talking with God.
Just three months earlier, on January 1, 1990, I had stood in an airport saying goodbye as Seth boarded a plane for his first active-duty assignment overseas.
For seven years we'd been together—dating, engaged, and married—and we'd rarely been apart for more than a few days.
Now we were separated by half the world.
I still remember watching him disappear through the gate.
It felt as though someone had reached inside my chest and torn my heart in two.
While Seth settled into military life in South Korea, I stayed behind in Alabama to finish college, prepare for our household goods shipment, travel a little, and close one chapter of our lives before beginning another.
Those three months stretched me in ways I never expected.
I graduated from college.
I learned to make decisions on my own.
I discovered strengths I didn't know I possessed.
At twenty-six years old, I grew up in ways I probably never would have if life had stayed comfortable.
While I was discovering a new confidence, Seth was carrying a different kind of burden.
I met Seth only a few months after his divorce. I knew I wasn't marrying a man who had never been hurt.
Broken trust leaves deep scars.
During the years we dated and then married, I watched God slowly heal places in Seth's heart that had once been deeply wounded. Little by little, he learned to trust again. Our relationship became a safe place where healing continued.
Then came South Korea.
Living thousands of miles from home, surrounded by soldiers who desperately missed their own families, stirred up old fears he probably didn't even realize were still there. Some of the walls that had slowly come down over the years quietly began to go back up.
He wasn't becoming a different man.
Life was revealing old wounds that still needed God's healing.
Looking back now, I understand something I couldn't see then.
Neither of us was trying to hurt the other.
We were simply carrying burdens the other couldn't yet see.
A Lesson We Learned Along the Way
One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is the benefit of the doubt.
When something your husband or wife says doesn't sound like them...pause.
Before assuming the worst, ask yourself:
"Could there be a hurt, fear, or burden I don't yet understand?"
Stress changes people.
Grief changes people.
Military deployments change people.
Health challenges change people.
Sometimes our spouse isn't becoming someone new.
Sometimes life is simply revealing an old wound that still needs God's healing.
Grace begins when we stop assuming motives and start asking questions with kindness.
The Reunion
When we were finally reunited in Seoul, it felt like something out of a movie.
Seth had reserved a beautiful hotel in downtown Seoul for our first night together.
I remember standing at the window, gazing out over the lights of a city that was completely unfamiliar.
Behind me, the man I loved was finally asleep.
Watching him rest, I quietly cried.
Not loud sobbing.
Not tears of sadness.
The kind of tears that rise from somewhere deep inside your soul.
Tears of relief.
Tears of gratitude.
Tears of joy.
For the first time in months...
I felt whole again.
I was home.
Not because of the hotel.
Not because of South Korea.
Not because I had finally conquered jet lag.
I was home because I was with Seth.
He has always made me feel safe.
My heart was so full that I wasn't sure it could hold another ounce of love.
Even today, I wish every married couple could experience a moment like that.
But even more...
I wish they could remember that moment during the ordinary seasons of life.
During the weeks when work is overwhelming.
When little children need your attention every waking moment.
When teenagers seem to eat everything in the refrigerator.
When aging parents require care.
When retirement changes familiar routines.
When the schedule is full and your energy is empty.
Because extraordinary marriages aren't built only during extraordinary moments.
They're built by remembering why you chose each other in the first place.
A Lesson We Learned Along the Way
Every marriage needs anchor memories.
Those moments become reminders of God's faithfulness when life becomes difficult.
Pull out the old photographs.
Tell the stories again.
Laugh about the adventures.
Remember the prayers God answered.
Celebrate where you've been together.
Those memories remind you that the person sitting across from you is still the person you chose...
...and still the person God is shaping.
Sometimes the strongest marriages aren't the ones that never struggle.
They're the ones that never forget where God has already been faithful.
The Walk That Changed Our Marriage
A few weeks after I arrived in Korea, Seth and I took a walk together.
It should have been romantic.
After all, we'd spent three long months counting the days until we could finally be together again.
Instead...
We found ourselves frustrated with one another.
Looking back, it seems almost impossible.
How could two people who loved each other so deeply suddenly feel so disconnected?
The answer was simple.
Neither of us had done anything wrong.
We had simply changed.
Without realizing it, we'd both continued growing during those three months apart.
We expected to pick up exactly where we had left off.
Life had other plans.
Our conversation became more serious.
Very early in our marriage we had made a promise to each other that divorce would never become part of our vocabulary.
Never as a threat.
Never as leverage.
Never as an escape plan.
That evening was the only time in more than forty-two years of marriage that we ever questioned whether we should stay married.
Not because we had stopped loving each other.
Because we honestly wondered,
"What happened to us?"
Then Seth quietly looked at me and said,
"You're not the girl I married."
I smiled.
Then answered,
"You should be thankful. Who wants to stay married to a nineteen-year-old forever?"
We both laughed.
The tension melted almost instantly.
That single sentence changed the direction of our conversation.
More importantly...
It changed how we would view marriage for the rest of our lives.
Neither of us was supposed to remain the same.
God intended both of us to keep growing.
The question wasn't whether we had changed.
The question was whether we would continue choosing each other as we changed.
That day...
We chose each other.
Again.
We've been making that same choice ever since.
A Lesson We Learned Along the Way
One of the greatest dangers in marriage isn't change.
It's expecting your spouse not to change.
Think about it.
Would you really want your husband to have the same maturity he had at twenty-eight?
Would your wife want to still think exactly like she did when she was nineteen?
Hopefully not.
God is continually shaping us.
Every challenge.
Every success.
Every disappointment.
Every answered prayer.
Every hardship.
Leaves its mark.
Instead of asking,
"Why aren't you the same?"
Perhaps ask,
"How has God been shaping you during this season?"
That question opens conversations.
The other usually starts arguments.
Sometimes Love Is Joyful...Sometimes It's Intentional
People often tell Seth and me,
"Forty-two years! What's your secret?"
There isn't one secret.
There are thousands of small decisions.
Some seasons were easy.
Others weren't.
Some choices came naturally.
Others required prayer.
A lot of prayer.
Sometimes choosing your spouse is joyful.
Sometimes it's difficult.
Sometimes it's painful.
Sometimes it's simply obedience.
The traditional marriage vows don't say,
"I promise to love you as long as life feels easy."
They say,
"For better, for worse...
For richer, for poorer...
In sickness and in health..."
Those aren't simply beautiful words spoken during a wedding ceremony.
They're a roadmap for every season that follows.
There have been seasons in our marriage filled with laughter.
And there have been seasons filled with migraines, military separations, remodeling projects, raising children, financial pressures, career transitions, and retirement adjustments.
Looking back now, I realize something.
The difficult seasons weren't proof our marriage was failing.
They were opportunities for God to strengthen it.
Sometimes covenant carries us until our emotions catch up.
A Lesson We Learned Along the Way
Extraordinary marriages aren't built by finding the right person.
They're built by faithfully loving the person God is still shaping.
There will be days when that feels easy.
There will be days when it's one of the hardest choices you'll make.
Choose your covenant anyway.
One faithful choice today has the power to strengthen your marriage tomorrow.
Loving the Person God Is Still Creating
Not long after we were married, I gained quite a bit of weight.
My once-active lifestyle had changed dramatically.
Honestly...
I struggled with it more than Seth did.
He always wanted me healthy.
He never measured my worth by the number on a scale.
Years later, after losing the weight, I realized something beautiful.
He hadn't loved me more before.
He didn't love me more afterward.
He simply loved me.
That taught me something about unconditional love.
Later came another season.
Retirement.
When Seth retired from the Army after decades of service, we both had adjustments to make.
Schedules changed.
Roles changed.
Daily routines changed.
Life changed.
But by then we had learned something that carried us through every transition.
The struggle wasn't the enemy.
The change wasn't the enemy.
Neither of us was the enemy.
We were on the same team.
Always.
That's still true today.
Practical Ways to Stay Connected Through Change
If you're walking through change right now, here are a few things that have helped us over the years.
Remember your anchor memories.
Pull out old photographs.
Tell the stories.
Remember the adventures.
Celebrate God's faithfulness.
Those memories become reminders that He hasn't abandoned your marriage.
Stay curious.
Instead of assuming your spouse's motives, ask gentle questions.
Seek understanding before offering solutions.
Keep choosing your covenant.
Some days you'll feel deeply in love.
Other days you'll simply choose faithfulness.
Both honor God.
Pray together.
Invite God into your marriage often.
God cares even more about your marriage than you do.
Final Thoughts
When I look at Seth today...
I still see the young Army officer I met all those years ago.
The man who made me laugh.
The man who made me feel safe.
But I also see something even more beautiful.
I see the man God has faithfully shaped through more than four decades of life together.
And I hope...
When he looks at me...
He doesn't see the nineteen-year-old girl I once was.
I hope he sees a woman who has been shaped by God's grace.
One faithful choice at a time.
Extraordinary marriages aren't built because two people never change.
They're built because two imperfect people continue choosing one another through every season of life.
Not because it's always easy.
Not because every season is joyful.
But because covenant reminds us that love is more than a feeling.
It's a decision.
A promise.
A gift.
One faithful choice at a time.
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If your marriage feels different than it once did, don't lose heart.
Different doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong.
Sometimes it simply means God is still writing your story.
Keep talking.
Keep laughing.
Keep praying.
Keep choosing each other.
God isn't finished yet.
Keep Building an Extraordinary Marriage
Marriage is one of God's greatest classrooms.
Every season is another opportunity to grow in faith, character, and love.
Until next time...keep building your marriage, one faithful choice at a time.
